Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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