Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
