I need help removing her.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
