I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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