I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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