Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
