My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
