im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Actions speak louder than pants.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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