4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
