we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
