How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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