A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Found your dick twin last night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize