so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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