I think I am morally bankrupt
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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