she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
