my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
