she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
