True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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