Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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