I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
