sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You ruined the universe
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
