Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
