i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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