I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
