Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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