I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
