Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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