I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
