Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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