I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
