nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
