i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
