Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
