New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
