Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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