Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
