i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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