Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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