I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
