I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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