My boss' voice literally gives me gas
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
