Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize