the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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