paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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