Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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