i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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