My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize