he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
