If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
