I swear she didn't look like that last week.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
