I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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