Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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