Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
