Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
