So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
