She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
