im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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