I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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