I accidentally burped into my bong.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
