i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
