My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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