fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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