The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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