Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Still dying that you shit outside
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
