How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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