My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I made him laugh his dick is mine
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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